i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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