just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We left the knife in your bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
