Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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