So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
