Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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