apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.