The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set