take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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