you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
