No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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