I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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