apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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