god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
