meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
