I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
