did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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