im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
