Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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