Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
