Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
