I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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