What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my shit smells like andre
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.