god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live