I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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