I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
