Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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