Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize
