Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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