I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
