I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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