My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
