This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
