totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
