I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
