you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He did a backflip because drugs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
