I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
