Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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