Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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