If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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