Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
