i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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