i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
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I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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