I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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