There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I want to fling myself into the sun
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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