so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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