So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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