it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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