I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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