my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
