Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
