does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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