i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
