I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
