i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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