she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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